How Narcissus met his death


A story is told of a young man called Narcissus, known to his friends as Narci; and he had a lot going for him. For starters, his dad was a MCA of sorts. He was a powerful man in charge of the water department, like the Nairobi water guys. Have you ever seen the contempt they treat you with when they come to disconnect your water, and you offer to buy them “chai” for 200 bob?

Narci was also very easy on the eyes and since he was always out hunting he was all-muscle. I imagine he had over 10k followers on their version of Instagram back in the day, and his account was full of  #Team Hikers, #HuntingTingz, #BowsAndArrows, and #IKilledALion. He was probably also a choice #MCM candidate for many young girls going by his flexing muscles posts captioned; #InstaFit, #AbsForDays, and #FitForLife. When Narci wasn’t posting biceps and triceps he was busy posting selfies captioned; #Blessed, #Dimples, #EyebrowsOnFleek, and   #TheLordIsMyShepherd and so on.

It was only natural therefore, that he acquired some haters. These haters could have been followers who met at the river (which Narci’s dad owned) to discuss how tight the leather skin Narci had tied around his waist was that day, or how it was too short and exposed…nether regions.  I imagine in their version of Whatsapp, they formed groups where they exchanged screenshots  of Narci’s posts and discussed them at length-for example, ‘I saw Narci  today and he didn’t look like this in real life; he has filtered to hide the sunburns,’ and so on. But whenever they met him they would high-five him and tell him how AMAZING he looks; Or just type YAAAASSS! Killing It! on his posts. I can’t be sure.

Now as with all haters, there’s always that one that manages to stand out. These are the people who always have something negative to say no matter what you write. You can just write a comma and they will be there saying how a comma is a satanic language that freemasons use to communicate. Yes these people exist.  This hater, called Nemesis, was like that. He simply couldn’t stand Narci.

One time, Narci killed a bear and the whole village was rejoicing. A girl that Nemesis had a crush on was there, smiling and giving Narci some serious come-get-me look; what the deuce! It was akin seeing your crush writing on someone’s wall: “I had fun last night ;-)” complete with that wonky face. Nemesis decided enough was enough.

In War 101, we are taught to study our enemies and identify their areas of weakness. Nemesis did exactly that. He planned a party by the river- equivalent of a pool party- and invited everyone including Narci.  Entry for the girls was free but for the guys, a gourd of wine was required (a mzinga, if you may,  please).

That week Narci’s IG was buzzing: #PoolParty, #FridayCooling, and #TurntUp . He even worked extra hard on his abs in preparation for the bash. He wanted to be READY for the party. That Friday evening his MCA dad sponsored him with several gourds of expensive stuff, and off he went. At this point we’ll assume most people who were invited to the party were black folks because when he got there no one had arrived! So he got himself a spot near the pool and got comfortable. Details are sketchy as to what happened next but it is said he was seen staring at his reflection the whole time. Several sheesha-smoking girls approached him but he didn’t even notice as he was too busy admiring something in the water, ostensibly, his reflection.  As it happens at all parties, guys who are always staring at pools or gadgets in their hands are avoided by everyone.  No one paid any attention to him. He was found dead the next morning.

The CSI and the Commissions of Inquiry which were formed have never been able to give conclusive answers, but the official report released said that Narci had probably dozed off while staring at himself in the water, fell into the pool and drowned. I’m no expert on such matters, but there are many times I have blacked out in bed stalking objects of my desire. So that theory is not too far off the mark.

Ladies and gentlemen that’s how we ended up with the term Narcissists.  Narcissism is defined as a fixation with oneself or one’s physical appearance.  As with all things, narcissism has evolved over the years. It could manifest itself as posting 20 selfies of yourself per hour (like really how different do you look at 3 on the dot, and 3.18?), it could be letting people know what you ate, where, with who o how much it cost EVERY SINGLE DAY; it could be you digging into your archives to   post pics of yourself in a city minutes after you hear that city has been bombed under the guise of “praying ” for that city. Basically it is just a way of making everything about you.

While everyone is allowed a little narcissism as it is good for self-confidence, too much of it becomes unbearable. People find it hard to be around you because you’re unable to share in their joys and sorrows as well. You simply lack the capacity to do so. A friend will come up to you telling you about this great new job they’ve landed and because  you-Narcissus, will be too busy admiring your image in the water, you will fail to say ‘congratulations’ and make  the necessary ‘oohs’ and ‘aahhs’ , and embark on your own story telling about your past , future, real or imagined great job. Sometimes you don’t even let others finish their story before you start telling yours. You become an expert talker and a horrible listener.  And then who will want to be around you? Nemesis, that’s who-and we all know what he can do.